I Am A "Bleeding Heart" Liberal

It has been years since I've written anything. For some reason life has been a little crazy since finding out we were having triplets, which took our family of 4 to a family 7 in a blink of an eye.

Despite the title of my post, this isn't about defending where I stand politically.  Definitions of liberals and conservatives have been created decades ago.  I am no less guilty than anyone else when I hear liberal or conservative and already "think" I know what that stands for.

I've spent the past couple of days on an emotional roller coaster. I hate roller coasters, which is why I don't get on them. Last night on my way home from class, I realized something. WHY am I allowing myself to be on THIS roller coaster? What is this gaining?

The answers are clear.

Anger

Doubt

Fear

Disappointment

Anxiety

I don't know about you, but I do not like these feelings, therefore it is time to let them go. Time to practice what Matt and I do at home when things seem out of control.  One of us will say "perspective check!" and then we find the silver lining in our situation and move forward.

I keep holding faith that everything is just really raw right now.  That it will simmer down, but at the same time, I just don't know!  I feel like this has been the most cruel and hateful election yet, and I am talking about ALL sides.  Why? Why is this one so much more toxic?  Here are my theories.

The media, which includes social media. This was not around as much in the beginning of politics. People debated, no doubt. However, it was face to face. It was healthy. Could it become violent? I am sure in some cases, yes, but it upheld the original definition of debate. I know for me, when I am face to face with someone, I am interacting with a human being. Nothing else matters, other than they are a human being whom I respect and can carry on a reciprocal conversation with.  When we debate online (and I found myself doing this the other day), we forget the face. We forget the person. We are only looking at the text. Text, by the way, that historically can be easily misconstrued because of the absence of vocal inflection, vocal compassion, a healthy voice of debate.  How many cases of cyber bullying have we seen in recent years between children? They say what they think, hit send, and don't look back. They don't see the faces, the reactions, the human being.  I don't know how you feel, but right now social media is saturated with cyber bullying. Between ADULTS. Again, this is happening between all political stances.

Do I feel disappointment and confusion regarding who won?  Of course!  Do I feel disappointment and confusion when I see people who sit on the same political side as me protesting for the third night in a row, in which some cases have been violent and disgusting? Yes. We don't act this way when the opposing football team wins despite questionable or "unfair" calls from the referees.  Students don't act this way when someone they didn't vote for is now the class president. The media holds SO.MUCH.POWER. It is disgusting. Our children see this and are learning!  We are good people and amazing parents and it is scary to think that no matter how many morals and values we instill in our children, the media has a good chance of winning.  The media picks and chooses what it wants to show us. They are strategic. They thrive on our emotional reactions.  We can fact check until we are blue in the face, but do we ever REALLY know the truth?

A classmate of mine shared that her morals and values are comprised of two questions. Is it necessary?  Is it kind?  I need to follow her way of thinking. What I also learned that night is everyone's morals and values are different. Our morals and values are based on experiences with family, people, and life and should not be downplayed or judged.  Facebook is quite the hot spot for judging, whether you are a liberal, conservative, or independent.  We are all guilty in some capacity. People don't talk on the phone anymore. People will almost always choose text over human contact, which leads me to this. Is Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama REALLY to blame for where our culture has evolved?  Or is it our need as a culture to have more, be more, get more? Is it our need to have instant gratification? Is it our need to have things fixed RIGHT NOW?  Is it our need to be right?  These are questions I ask myself.

An old college friend of mine has recently inspired me and many others more than I think she will ever realize. Her perspective check is to take action in the form of what can SHE do to support the people she feels are being unsupported. I always look forward to her status updates.  She is amazing.

Here is my perspective check.  Instead of taking the outcome of the election as a loss I am going to try and look at it as a win.  Discussions regarding female rights, the LGBTQ community, and other topics us bleeding heart liberals stand for, have been at an all time high.  At least these topics are being talked about and recognized, even if it isn't the most positive. Awareness is what gets results. How can those of us who have strong beliefs in whatever topic it is, create positive action?  Again, all political sides.

I get it. It is hard. It is really hard to not let anger, doubt, fear, disappointment, and anxiety take over. It is really hard to look at people we thought we knew really well in a different light. It is hard to not take posts online personally.

We are a resilient. We are human. When anxiety goes up, productivity goes down. All we can do right now is let our new president elect get to work. Until then I think the best thing we can do is stop letting media hold so much power, love with all that we have, and ask ourselves. Is it kind? Is it necessary? And what can I do to make a difference? As my college friend above stated. Lots of small things can lead to big things.

Side note: Social media will continue to be a focal point for many people. Can someone invent different fonts? Like sarcasm font? Or this is written with love and respect font?  Maybe that will help with our emotional reactions to statements online.

Finally, always remember:

Instead, set up a coffee date with a friend, family member, or co-worker.  See each other's faces. What we feel does not need to be broadcast for validity. Debate, talk, reason, and love. We don't have to rely on the president elects, whether Democrat or Republican to bring us together as people.

Learn How To Be Bored!

Wow. It has been a LONG time since I've written anything.  Life sure gets away from a person, that is for sure.  My latest rant, it seems, is the concept of being bored and dealing with it.  If you ask my children, namely my oldest, "What is your mom trying to teach you these days?", he would say in an annoyed tone, "How to be bored". 

We have a rule at our house. No electronics (DS or Kindle) on weeknights and at social gatherings. It seems everywhere we go, all I see are the tops of people's heads because of the increased use of technology.  It also makes me sad when during performances, people are more interested in their technology than what is happening right in front of them. Matt and I choose the penny phone every time it is time to get new phones. Let me call and text, and I am good to go.   I do have to admit a smartphone of sorts would be handy during road trips when Matt and I have differing answers/opinions to a question.  For now, we just phone a friend...or ask Cooper.

Anyway, we've been to different gatherings where there is idle time and during that time, several passive comments are made over and over again. "SURE wish I had my DS", "The Kindle would be handy right now", "Wish I had something to do, like the DS or the Kindle". My response is always the same. "Learn how to be bored!". This happens at Church, and while we are waiting for almost anything that takes longer than a few minutes and it drives me nuts!  The difficult part is trying to explain why every other child surrounding us during events are using tablets and other technology. Then I realized that I don't need to explain "why" the other kids get to do that because that is the choice of that family. What I need to do is explain "why" I feel the way I do about the situation. 

Poor Cooper has to withstand my random rants. He looks up at me with those big, round, now hazel colored eyes and I know he is thinking, "This is it. She has officially fallen off of the deep end!" The latest rant happened at Muffins with Moms. I was one of the helpers and in between cleaning up and the bell ringing for the school day to start, Cooper had to deal with some idle time.  After about a minute it started. "Now would be a REALLY good time to play my DS, if I had it".  I turned around and said, "Cooper, you need to learn how to do what?!" He says, following a sigh, "Be bored".  He then asked, "What does that even mean?".  That is when I explained the concept of doing nothing and dealing with it.  I told him how when I was younger you just had to sit, be patient, be bored, and deal with it.  I told him I felt it was a good skill to learn because eventually it will help him with attention span, ability to regulate in uncomfortable situations, and just "be". 

It is official. He thinks I am crazy and I am OK with that.

Where It All Began and Being Competitive

The Ninja Midnight 5k was when the idea of a blog about quirks was suggested. It is amazing how quickly a year can pass us by and what can all happen in just one year.  My friend Falon and I ran the Ninja Midnight 5k again this year, but we were without our dear friend Lisa.  Last year we were all fired up about planning our glow wear and how we were going to eat hashbrowns afterwards.  Before we knew it, the race was here and we didn't have our glow wear planned and Lisa was in Memphis.  Falon and I tried to recruit some new pals (you know who you are) but in the end, it was just her and I.  Next year people, next year! We talked, we ran, we ran and talked, we finished, we enjoyed, and we went home. Despite our fatigue and sinus problems, we were glad we did it!

 

 

So, a year can pass by quickly.  Tomorrow it will be one year since I ran the Dubuque Classic 5k and actually placed. I had a unintentional great running season last year. I have shared time and time again, that my first years of running were horrid.  I can't even call them years of running. They were purely years of whining with some movement slightly faster than a walk. Then I entered my first race and my goal was to make it to mile 2 and then walk.  Then the goal became to finish a 5k without walking at all.  After that the goal was to do slightly better than I had done the previous race.  Then last year I not only completed a half marathon, but I placed TWICE.  I placed first in my age group at the Dubuque Classic 5k and then I was the first female to finish during the Frosty Frenzy in West Branch.  Talk about a runner's high!  Last year was the perfect year for someone who is competitive. 

 

Unfortunately, being competitive can bite you in the ass at some point.  Well mine has been bitten, because I have spent this ENTIRE year of running being highly disappointed in myself.  I feel as if I need to be running as good,  if not BETTER than last year.  What this does is create a mental block, which does not end well.  Last year's time at the Dubuque Classic 5k:

 

30-34 Age Group

1. Amber Cook 24:41:50

 

I don't think I have broke 25 minutes in a 5k once this year and WHY does it matter?!?! My brain seems to think it matters and I continue to have to fight this horrible way of thinking and will have to get this straightened out by TOMORROW when I run this race again.

 

I also decided to review what my goal for 2012 was on Dailymile.  This is what I wrote:

Miles:

679 total / 303 in 2012

Goal:

To run a PR in a half marathon and to continue to find the joy in running and what it has to offer!

 

What I learned from this research is that NOWHERE did I write that I needed to be as good or better than last year. I did run a PR in a half marathon, but did not continue to find the joy in running and what it has to offer. I have struggled a lot this year with feeling unmotivated and injured and it is time to stop whining and just run, because I can. We all have good days and we all have bad days and that is OK!

 

Overall, being competitive IS a good thing.  It is what helps people become motivated and move forward. I have witnessed so many friends go from thinking, "running sucks" to "hey, I think I kind of like this and I feel better when I do it!" I love reading their progress and hearing their stories, especially what drives them to push harder. It is time for me to find the joy in running and what it has to offer...again.

 



 

Separation Anxiety

Over the weekend my father and I decided we suffer from "Separation Anxiety". In our world, "separation anxiety" occurs when we open up that container of sour cream, chip dip, or yogurt and see that layer of liquid that has separated itself from the actual contents of the container. Once we witness this, we are finished.

Telling us to "just stir it" or "just pour out the liquid" does not help. Makes me gag and inquire, "is this old?" every single time.

Always Looking for Cameras

I often find myself in situations that are often referred to as, "A Seinfeld Episode".  Other times I inquire, "Am I being Punk'd?" and "Are there TV cameras?".  Tonight I searched the rafters of Lindale Mall for television cameras. I couldn't decide if I was on "What Would You Do?", "Punk'd", or "Boiling Point". 

Let's back up. A few months ago I had the unfortunate experience of having one of my eyebrows waxed off.  I always feared this could happen, and sure enough, it did.  I have always thought about getting my eyebrows threaded.  I have walked by the kiosk a few times and wondered what the heck it was all about.  When I shared my eyebrow experience, a Facebook Friend highly recommended threading (you know who you are) and because I take her recommendations with high regards (this is how I ended up with a fabulous hair dresser), I decided tonight would be the night.

I strolled through the mall hoping that little kiosk still existed. I did not see it so I took a look at the directory and realized I had walked past it.  It was no longer a tiny kiosk, but a nice large area that looked like a mini salon!  I walked over to it and there I noticed a notebook. The notebook read (in very messy handwriting), "I will be back in 5 minutes". Below that were two phone numbers to call.  I immediately looked up into the rafters for cameras. I dawdled for quite some time pretending to be interested in whatever I could find on the counter and eventually gave up to browse the kitchen store nearby. After about 10 minutes I noticed another woman standing at the threading station and so I walked over.  She immediately pointed out the oddity and humor of the notebook and I knew it would be worth hanging around to wait.  She seemed like good people. After another 10 minutes she decided she was brave enough to call the top number listed.  Someone answered and when questioned how long it would be she said, "I will be right there. I am downstairs".  I said, "I hope she isn't wasted when she arrives. I might STILL end up with one eyebrow!" After 10 MORE minutes and us looking once again for cameras, the woman decided to call the OTHER number.  After a brief conversation she said, "I think that was the boss!".  I turned to her and said, "Great, now she is going to be wasted AND angry! We will for sure leave without any eyebrows!".  We decided this was our cue to leave. 

Although, I think my cue to leave was the notebook with a handwritten note.

Never Give Up

"But it is crooked!" This is what I heard through tears from the playroom.  Cooper likes to write down all of the dinosaurs that ever lived from A-Z onto his white board.  He does this over and over again. We have stacks of this kind of work completed on individual pieces of paper.  Papers we are forbidden to recycle, despite the fact there are nearly 50 of them. Cooper has caught wind of our slight frustration of having to do something with these pieces of paper, so he has decided to use the white board.  Good problem solving.

This morning Cooper wanted to write smaller. He also created a pattern with his markers to better organize his work.  What started to happen was, each time he wrote a dinosaur name, it started to trail into a downward curve. Each new name was increasingly worse.  Cooper erased his work twice to start over and I am certain his anxiety levels were intensifying with each "do over".  Soon the tears started, so I went into the room.  He said, "I am SO SO frustrated because my work is not straight and it keeps getting worse and worse! Pretty soon it will be a circle!".  I get it. I remember feeling that way and so I tried my best to help and encourage him.  I could have told him what an awesome job he was doing, but compliments do not help when you have a certain picture in your head as to what your project SHOULD look like.

I decided to use an index card to draw straight lines for him to write on.  Cooper was apprehensive because according to him, he should be able to do it the other way, but he tried it.  New tears were accompanied with, "now everytime I write a dinosaur name the side of my hand wipes away part of the lines below and when I fill them in, it doesn't look right!". This plan was not a success.  Meltdown.

"I am just having a really rough morning. I am SO SO frustrated!".  My response was, "maybe you should step away from this for a few moments, get something to eat, and try again later".  Yeah, that didn't work.  In the mind of someone with obsessive compulsive traits, the project is started and must be finished immediately.  I admitted to Cooper that although I remember feeling the way he was, I wasn't sure how to help him.  He said, "I have two options mom. To start ALL over again or just GIVE UP!".   I looked very seriously at him and said, "NEVER give up. That is not an option.  You can start over or find a different way to complete your task".

Cooper took a deep breath and said, "I think what I need is just some paper with lines". I suggested a notebook and thankfully found one.  He labeled the outside, "Cooper's Dinosaur Book" and proceeded to write all of the dinosaurs on earth from A-Z.  No more curved words, no more half erased lines, and no more pieces of paper floating around our house. Despite the drama. I think the morning was a success for now, and for his future.

It's Back....

That is all.

Sensory Overload

Today is a rest day as far as my half marathon training.  Rest days are fantastic not only because you don't have to worry about getting up before work to run or finding a time to run after work, but it feels well earned. It is an accomplishment.

Last night the first thing I had to do was run. Yes, it was part of the training plan, but it was for me to let the stress sweat away.  Starting a new job and all of the logistics that have to happen before you can actually work with kids is a little draining for me.  OK, very draining for me. SO, I run to release stress, yet I think about 8,000 things while doing so. By the way, 8,000 is the number I use for EVERYTHING when exaggerating. We have a bond.

Curious George is a favorite show in our house.  Cooper and Collin came downstairs to watch me run. What that really means is, turn up the TV to drown out the treadmill and run around like crazy taking out EVERY toy known to man. So here I am with my ipod playing loudly, the sound of the treadmill, Curious George as loud as possible, and children trying to talk to me as if I can hear every word they are saying. It is amazing how with all of that going on how clear the feeling of dying while running can seem.  I decided to add one more component to this situation and that was to watch Curious George. You see, Professor Wiseman was training for a marathon and Curious George was helping her. For some reason it was nice watching her struggle. It looked similar to how I was feeling at the time. During this time I was able to switch songs often on my ipod and when I found something I liked, really listened to the words and musicality.

All of a sudden with every step there was a SUPER bright light that flashed into my eyes. It started to make me feel like I was having a stroke. Was it happening? Was I going to be one of those people who DIES while running? Then I focused and saw Collin staring at the TV with his mouth hanging open and an LED flashlight drooping in his hand pointed right at me.  Of course I tried to shout at him, but that required breath I didn't have! I finally got his attention and he turned it off.

Soon Professor Wiseman was crossing the finish line and I realized I had hit the 3 mile mark so I hit stop and stood there looking like a sweaty mess.  How was it that through ALL of that sensory input was I still able to feel like my stress was washed away?! And I honestly felt great!  The human race is capable of processing so much more than we can even realize. 

The last thought that crossed my mind..."Is Professor Wiseman the girlfriend of the man with the yellow hat or not?!" They never really say!



Grandma K.

Two years ago today our family lost a very important person.  It all still seems so fresh in my mind and I am certain in the minds of the rest of the family.  This particular side of the family likes to make an entrance it seems. Matt has always made jokes such as, "Nice haircut. Will your family all get together to celebrate?"  When something happens with my mother's side of the family, whether big or what seems to be small to some, everyone does their best to be there. As with all families, there can be a lack of communication and disagreements, but always in the end we ALL come together.  This is why when I have a birthday party for the boys, the guest list is so large. It is how we work, whether people understand it or not.

This was no different during Grandma's last days.  I think our family took up an entire wing of the hospital.  Sometimes we were all there and sometimes we took shifts so SOMEONE was there by her side.  I think we all learned a lot about Grandma and each other during that time.  I never realized after all of these years her middle name was Leona. Some of us cousins talked about anything and everything from Ghost Hunters to the cost of braces these days, to what stood out about Grandma.  Stronger bonds between cousins and aunts were made as well.

When I would visit Grandma her first statement would be, "Get in here! I want to see what color your hair is THIS time!". Whether blonde or bright purple, she always complimented...never judged.  She always said, "to each their own". For someone of her age, she sure had an open-mind. She loved each and every one of us unconditionally.  I also remember staying at her house and her making me breakfast.  That is when I learned that a small amount of milk on my raisin spice or maple and brown sugar oatmeal was just what it needed.  To this day, I add a small amount of milk to the boys' oatmeal and they too love it.  These are just a couple of fond memories of a wonderful person.

She is always there. Her presence is made known in various ways.  To some this may sound crazy, but she leaves us dimes. We find them in the strangest places and during stressful times. Once I had one fly out of the washing machine at me.  This was after I was feeling overwhelmed with things at home.  I think, too, this was her way of saying, "take better care of your washing machine!". Grandma K. always cleaned her washing machine after each use!

That being said...WE MISS YOU GRANDMA K.!

Cooper and I holding Grandma's hand during her last hours

Collin holding her hand. At that time the youngest family member had connected with the oldest family member one last time.



A New Marriage

When I was pregnant with Collin, we had to take a Baptism II class.  Admittedly, Matt and I were kind of grumpy. WHY would we need to sit through ANOTHER Baptism class?! We already did it once and there isn't much to it! We trudged in and sat down. There was quite a large group of participants. Much larger than the class we took before we had Cooper. The leaders sat down and said, "this class is to help you prepare for how much your life is going to change when you add ANOTHER child to the mix". We had to talk to our spouses about how we were raised as children, how it was the same and how it was different.  We talked about what we wanted to pass on as parents and what we didn't. We were also challenged to evaluate how we already parented the children we have and what we may or may not do differently.

I think the BEST thing we walked away from was this was, "everything we do as a couple is a new marriage".  We had never thought of that before the class. Buying a new house...a new marriage.  Do we buy a car or do we NOT buy a car...a new marriage. Deciding on discipline techniques...a new marriage. Finances...a constant new marriage. Picking out furniture...a new marriage. Painting our home...a new marriage. Every decision people make as a couple becomes a new marriage.  We are constantly learning from each other.

What is our most recent marriage?  Cleaning out the extra room in our basement so that we do NOT have to rent a storage unit. We have been working on this DAILY after the children go to bed since last Sunday night. Our entire weekend will be committed to this. Matt and I usually work together pretty well, but this one is a doozy! We have different ways of completing this task playing out in our heads.  But alas, we will be just fine.  I think we have this whole marriage thing down.

I do have to say, I feel for hoarders. I am a thrower and the amount of "stuff" I have accumulated is ridiculous! I can see where they end up the way they do...

Like Mother, Like Son

 This is Me

This is Cooper

Cooper and I share more than physical similarities. He is my clone. Cooper often exclaims, "I am SO my mother's child!" and Matt is often seen shaking his head back and forth with that look of, "how can I deal with TWO of them?!".

We visited my Papa Joe a few weekends ago and Cooper saw the picture of me you see above and said, "That's me! WAIT, that can't be me!".  He nervously chuckled when I said it was me.  Then Collin came over and so we pointed to several pictures asking him, "who is that?". He answered them all correctly, "Uncle Jim!, Papa!, Chickie!" and then we pointed to the infamous picture of me and he said, "Pooper! hmmm, Pooper?". Case closed.

Having my own children has helped me learn about myself. What my temperament is, how I handle situations, what I think about and why. My children have especially helped me to ACCEPT and OWN who I am. This, I feel, has helped me relate better to not only my own children, but the children I see everyday, my family, and even my friends. 

I have mentioned before that I have always had obsessive compulsive tendencies. The most famous example was how I would draw 20 or more boats until they met my standards.  Then I would move on to houses, etc. Cooper has never shown much interest in drawing or art and even though my children can be  ANYTHING they want to be with my full support, it has secretly broken my heart. Drawing is all I ever knew. It was all I ever knew HOW to do. I didn't know how to play. Well, Cooper drew 15 turkeys last night and refused to stop until they were complete. It made me smile. What made me smile even more? Hearing Cooper PLAY. He was role-playing using his lego creations, using a story line and different voices.

I hope this means Cooper has learned that:

1. You always finish what you set out to do

2. To loosen up, have fun, and PLAY

I passed down #1 and Cooper is passing UP #2.

P.S. Cooper took his turkey drawing a step further than I used to. He thought of people he wants to mail them to. Watch your mailboxes..there are 10 lucky recipients!



A Day At Home

I am at home with Collin today. The dreaded call came in shortly after being at work this morning.  The worst phrase I could possibly hear is, "Collin threw up". Yep, that is the exact phrase I heard. When you get that phone call, your mind immediately goes in a million directions and you begin to weigh out whose day is more important. Mine or Matt's. Knowing Matt had a lengthy presentation in 15 minutes, he won. My patients were called, I packed my things and off I went to get the poor little guy.  I fear the words "throwing up". During the half marathon, another girl and I discussed how when we even so much as READ someone is throwing up, we panic. We are CONVINCED we will get sick, simply by reading it. Even IF the person is in another country. Fortunately, Collin has not thrown up while in my care and is sound asleep as I type...

Being at home is hard for me. I have a difficult time organizing myself. I have a basement full of laundry, a 6th birthday party to plan, and of course, my work from work.  Where does a person start? I have managed to dabble in everything that needs to be done. Soon it will be time to make dinner so that when Matt and Cooper get home we can eat at a decent time. I suppose it is a day for me to tie up some loose ends...a phrase that makes me chuckle. There are a lot of phrases and words that puzzle me, annoy me, and embarrass me. Matt suggested I write a blog about those phrases/words, but haven't found the time...until now. Since I am tying up loose ends and all.

Here are a few:
loose meat sandwiches, go have a bite to eat, panties, everyone and their dog, moist, damp, they are an item, sweating bullets, blouse, slacks, sweating like a pig, pulled pork sandwiches...

Because my mind often goes in a million directions when I am unable to get organized, I am reminded even more today on how disappointed I am with the rut I am in as far as running is concerned. Someone worded it perfectly to me when I questioned WHY I feel SO unmotivated! She said, "you met your goal so now what". So now what....that is the million dollar question. I miss running. I NEED running. My body needs running. My mind needs running. My most recent running shirt purchase says on the back:

Take some lessons from the roads you've traveled in life and sport...Those miles are the best terrain for self examination.

That being said, it is time to buck up, get to work, and hope Collin wakes up feeling better and refreshed. I want to see his cute smile again!

Drive-Thru Trauma

It all started last evening as I gave Matt "a look" when he took out the gallon of milk that was almost gone to pour himself a glass.  He immediately noticed "the look" and inquired. I shared that I had to be in Coggon for my first session in the morning and I HAD to be able to make myself a chai tea latte for the road.  He nicely put the milk back into the fridge.

This morning when I asked Cooper what he wanted for breakfast, he quickly responded, "let's go with cereal today. I haven't had that in awhile!". I relunctantly took out the almost empty gallon of milk and poured every last drop into his bowl.  He ate ALL of the cereal, but left behind a significant amount of milk...enough for me to make that chai tea latte. He even has one of those fancy bowls with the straw attached so he can consume the sugary substance! I sadly poured the unwanted milk down the drain and decided that I would brave Starbucks.  Starbucks DRIVE THRU.

Cooper didn't stop talking the entire drive there.  Cooper rarely stops talking. His mind is a tornado of information and questions. We approached the really long line of cars and immediately I started to become stressed.  Cooper started talking about how he wished it was summer because then we could have a picnic. "When CAN we have a picnic?" "What will we HAVE at the picnic?" "Where will we have the picnic?" and so on and so forth. I then looked into my rearview mirror and thought to myself, "that's weird, the lady behind me seems to be talking into the box. Wait that doesn't make sense. Must be the person in front of me. Wait, that doesn't make sense, I shouldn't be seeing people in FRONT of me in the REARVIEW MIRROR" and wham, it made sense. I had COMPLETELY missed THE BOX! Now I am amidst a long line of cars with nowhere to go and NOTHING ORDERED! I was instantly sweaty and turned off all vents in the car. As if turning them off wasn't enough, I had to quickly rotate them all away from me. Then I had to decide whether I wanted to just cruise through and pass the nice girl at the window, or simply tell her my situation. I wanted to cruise through but then worried they would think I was a thief...even though I hadn't ordered anything. SO, I stopped and told her what had happened and she very nicely said that it wasn't a big deal that I could order there.

I enjoyed every last drop of that chai tea latte.



Strategic Planning

I spend an incredible amount of time each day trying to avoid situations that make me feel uncomfortable. Maybe a better way of stating that is to say, I spend an incredible amount of time each day trying to find better options to situations so I feel LESS uncomfortable.

I have NEVER tried the drive-up option at a bank.  I was a passenger once and it stressed me out.  There is this tube and you have to wait for it to arrive and then put the items you want inside. Then you have to  return it properly and push a button so it sucks back into its machine to reach the bank teller. Then you can never SEE the bank teller, only hear them. This is something that challenges me, which is why I rarely go through drive-thru.

This is all very simple. I just go inside of the bank when I need something and that is that. Not in my world.  I am CONVINCED every teller in every Veridian Credit Union thinks I am strange because I come in for the littlest things. To cash ONE check, or to deposit ONE item, when clearly I could just drive up and try the tube deal. This is where the strategic planning comes into play. I don't always go to the same Veridian. I make sure I spread my visits evenly throughout the various sites so the tellers don't feel the need to say, "I don't know why she doesn't just drive up and do that". I also try to find a reason, other than to cash or deposit a check, to make my visit more reasonable. Pretty certain my children have the best investments and savings accounts ever...

I know this is all very ridiculous and quite frankly there is NO reason why ANY teller would remember me, no matter how much  I come inside.  Now Hallmark, on the other hand, they DO know me by my first name, they know the names of my children, ages of my children, their birthdates, and that my husband has not been in for awhile...THAT is something I should be embarrassed about.



The Bucket List

I think we all have some sort of a bucket list...a list of things we would like to accomplish before we "kick the bucket".  One of the things on my list is to run a half marathon. When I started to run, or walk/jog rather, it was in 2006.  I had gained 50 some pounds while pregnant with Cooper and figured I better make a plan to get back into shape after he was born. Being able to make it to the end of the block was a struggle....now I am in the final stages of preparing for my very first half marathon, which will be next Sunday. I never thought that running could not only be enjoyable, but such an important thing to do in my life.  Running means something different to everyone...some loathe it (I used to be that person), some run to make sure they can eat and maintain a healthy weight, and some run as a stress reliever. There are many more reasons I am certain.

I run so I can be healthy, mentally and emotionally centered, and a good communicator with Matt. It wasn't always this way. I used to dread every step I took, it made me mentally and emotionally un-centered, and I would, quite frankly, be a grump at Matt when he would try to "coach" me. Then there was something humbling about participating in a 5K and having my 78 year old grandfather cheer me through the finish line...after he finished his OWN 5K 10 minutes before me. It used to take me AGES to finish a 5K, never really running/jogging the whole thing, and my forehead was always full of frown lines.

Something happened, at some point, where I stopped focusing on the difficulty of the run, and started to focus on the happiness it brings my grandfather when Matt and I run a race with him and the excitement Matt has for me when I finish.  To run a 7 mile race step for step with my grandfather and cross that finish line TOGETHER is something I will never forget. It doesn't matter how quickly you run, it is the feeling of the finish that matters. 

I have started to focus on the support of Matt.  How when I have a bad day and he says, "go for a run and have some time for yourself. You will feel SO much better when you are done" and then when I come home and he says, "you did awesome!"...whether I really did or not. Matt has spent a lot of this year running by my side in races.  Although his pace pushes me to the point of saying "I don't think I can do this!!!" there is something about him supporting me and offering that thumbs up every so often and reminding me, "you've got this". Most people know I am not a hugger.  I stiffen up almost immediately when people lean in for a hug...but when I finish a race, hugs for Matt!  The adrenaline helps me, "take it down a notch", and be ready to just TALK and COMMUNICATE.  I feel refreshed and ready to give my full attention to Cooper and Collin and make better decisions for the week.

I have really become aware of the levels of support out there.  Some people just plain don't care and that is OK. Some people act like they don't care, but secretly they do.  Then there is the group of people who come out of the woodwork with such support and encouragement that it is overwhelming...in a good way of course.  Trail people are nice...everyone on that trail will smile and wave...we have a commonality...we are trying to be healthy. We are not competing. I have friends who check in often and who offer words of encouragement and those who run along side of me.  Friends who say, "you can do this!" and humor me by answering questions while we run such as, "what is easier, this or childbirth?!".  We both agreed childbirth today by the way.  My dear running pal Falon ran her first marathon today and I couldn't wait to get the texts that kept me updated on her run. It is never about competing against each other, but rather supporting each other and doing better for OURSELVES.  We check in to make sure a blister is healing OK and how a recent run went.

I run to see the smile on my grandfather's face (whom is 80 and still going strong each race)...I run because it makes Matt and I have a better marriage...I run to meet new amazing people....I run to learn that people who have always been in my life at some point or another share a common interest...I run to encourage others...and most importantly I run because it makes ME happy, focused, and centered. It has taken me since 2006 to realize this and completing a half marathon was the furthest thing from my mind.  Here is to the final week of training and a "check" off of my bucket list...

By the way, I couldn't handle the GIANT bowl of candy on the breakfast bar anymore so I put it all into a plastic cauldron and put some pears in the bowl instead....

 

If you run or jog why?

 What is on YOUR bucket list?

Am I Being Punk'd?

It was SUCH a beautiful day today! Started it off at approximately 7:30 a.m. with a 9 mile run with my good friend Jess. This is the first time we have ever ran AND talked...it was really nice to catch up!  Anyway, after I got home, stretched, showered and shoved a few cookies into my system we headed to Anamosa for their pumpkin fest...is it pumpkin fest OR pumpkinfest?  Either way we saw some massive pumpkins! I guess that is the point of a fest filled with pumpkins...

After watching Cooper in the big wheels race we went to grab something to eat.  I couldn't wait to crack open my diet coke...

I opened it and took that first drink I had been waiting so long for and I KNEW IT, I completely KNEW IT! It tasted EXPIRED! Not caring who was watching I looked under the can and sure enough...it had expired August 22, 2011!

Then we went to a PARADE...we had JUST started to see a dent in that infamous neverending candy bowl at our house...St. Patrick's Day parade, 2 4th of July parades, Firetruck parade, and now the pumpkin parade...

And then we got MORE. Halloween is only 30 days away! This bowl will never be conquered. Ashton, where are you? Was I being punk'd today?! Are you getting a divorce or NOT?! This media frenzy has me obsessed...

 

The Water Snob

I am a glorified water snob. I often say, "this water tastes tainted" and am known to bring several large water bottles filled with the water from our house to other places.  Sometimes water tastes brown to me, even though it is clear. Yes, sometimes I taste in color.  I also have a pain that sometimes happens in my neck that feels brown. Some vegetables taste extra green. 

Sometimes I swear I can taste every mineral in a glass of water and proceed to feel each mineral scratching my throat as they enter my esophagus. Water can taste rusty, therefore it tastes a little bit red, and can leave a gritty feeling on my tongue.

At my parent's house I describe their water as tasting warm and thick. They have gotten to the point where they buy distilled water and separate ice cubes for me so they don't have to hear me complain.  Mom often says, "what have we DONE to you?!"  Unfortunately the distilled water tastes minty to me. She is just finding this out right now while she reads my blog...I love you mom!

I do like lemon in my water.  Last night while out for dinner with my friend Heather, they served the water with a cucumber in it.  We discussed how we REALLY try to like cucumbers but we just can't seem to acquire a positive taste.  Needless to say, the water was not easy for me to drink.  It is amazing how something that looks so tasteless has such a powerful flavor. By the way, the cucumber made the water taste green...a light green.

So, I shall sign off and go drink a glass of water from our tap. It tastes perfect to me...perfectly tasteless.  And always remember, everything always tastes better in a wine or champagne glass...

"Is this old?"

I incessantly check the expiration dates of everything that I  consume. It is not uncommon for me to ask, "is this old?" or "is this expired?". I get the most *sighs* out of Matt and my mother. Even if they say it is fine, I do not really believe them. I have a 24 hour rule on most items. My dad likes to say things like, "that has been there for DAYS!", which is typically followed by my mom saying firmly, "JOHN! Why would you say that? You KNOW how your daughter is! Now she won't eat it!". Even if I AM brave enough to consume the product I will ask a minimum of 3 times, "are you sure this isn't old?". This is followed by rolling eyes and exhausted looks on people's faces as they ONCE AGAIN say, "it is FINE!".

There is a reason behind this madness.  A reason that adds to my obsessive compulsive tendencies. I can't remember how old I was, but I know it was Thanksgiving.  It is not uncommon for me to feel "starved" after a day of holiday food because there is SO much grazing going on! I never feel completely full! Anyway, my dad is the same way.  We got home and both complained of feeling hungry and immediately went to the refrigerator to take a peek.  Apparently we both thought it would be an EXCELLENT idea to choose the CAN of swanson chicken broth shoved WAY back in the fridge covered with a small piece of tin foil.  What a great idea to boil some pasta in that and have some soup before bed! Me being a child, I only wanted the noodles.  Dad being the dad, gladly took MY broth and slurped it down.  A few hours later I awoke sweating SO badly and MAN did my stomach hurt! I trudged over to mom and dad's room and poked at mom. She woke up and asked what was wrong and I mumbled, "I don't feel very good" and BLAH...no need for details.  Dad then sits up and says, "I don't feel good either" and off he ran downstairs.  I am pretty certain the house was shaking from his violent sickness. My body had mended within 12 hours. Dad's did not. I am not sure if he EVER left that bathroom during the next 24 hours. He REALLY should not have slurped down so much broth!  To this day, both of us cringe and gag a little bit when we see this label:

As a matter of fact whenever I eat any sort of chicken broth I envision the following:

And question, "is this old?"

Btw, you CAN tell when pop is expired. I have had other witnesses...you know who you are.

It is JUST a sock!

My grandmother June was a very lovely woman. She was free-spirited, trendy, and relaxed.  She always had the most up-to-date hairstyle, colored her hair often for fun, and seemed to always be ahead of the time when it came to fashion. There was always a yoga pose, herbal tea, or reflexology technique to cure whatever was ailing a person at the time. She is who watched me while my parents went to work.  We walked a lot, went out to eat, sang and played the piano, had fashion shows, and painted pictures of scenery.  She would also take me along to Dubuque to visit her sister and go shopping. This is when I would see another side of the lady whom I referred to as, Nanny. I remember dreading the shoppping trip because the amount of stores we would visit and the amount of SOCKS that were tried on made me crazy! There was always something that didn't feel right.  The heel was too bunchy, the seam across the toe was scratchy, they were too tight on the ankle, you name it.  Her sister was the same way, which would just fuel the sock journey.  I used to think in my head, "it is JUST a sock!".  After Nanny passed away and we were able to go through some of her things, we realized that it wasn't just socks. Waistbands would be cut and collars would be hacked off of her clothes. 

My dad never had any problems with feeling "out of sorts" when it came to how his clothing fit.  As a matter of fact, when he worked at the Lock and Dam one Winter, he would come home, take off his boots and there would be his socks OVER his heel bunched up in the arch of his foot and frozen.  He would work 12 hours that way and not be bothered. I, on the other hand, seemed to have inherited the sensory issues my grandmother had. I have been known to cut the cuffs of my shirts because they are too tight or become easily distracted when a piece of clothing "doesn't feel right".

Then comes Collin.  Oh, my sweet, sweet, Collin.  Collin always seemed to be laid back and not phased by very much.  Matt was happy because he felt the house was now equally divided.  Recently this has all changed. BOY, has it changed.  It started with the tags in his shirts. They were, according to Collin, "scratchy!" and would often cry, "it hurts!!!". He now insists on picking out his own clothes. He checks for the tags and when he finds a tagless shirt he exclaims, "no tags!" and puts it on. Then one day I put on a 3/4 length shirt on him and he literally fell apart. He pointed to the inside of his elbow and screamed, "owie owie owie!". This resulted in, once again, allowing him to pick out his own shirt. Then it was time to put on a long sleeved shirt AND pants because it was cold. As you can imagine, it did NOT go over well. This is one of those times when what I do for a living gets thrown out of the window and I become a PARENT who is at a loss.  Through many sensory integration techniques and discussions with Collin, we have progressed to him tolerating either pants OR a long sleeved shirt.  Don't get me started on what happens when the coat is introduced or when his SOCKS bother him. Instead of thinking in my head, "it is JUST a sock!" I can now actually say it.

I guess the point is, it is always good to understand who you are as a person, how you became the person you are, and how you deal with the children you make. Genetics intrigue me.  My grandmother and Collin are so similar, yet my father has escaped the sensory drama almost completely. I have a few things here and there, but nothing that warrants spending an entire day looking for the perfect pair of socks.

Nanny, you had your quirks, but we miss you dearly and hope you are wearing the PERFECT pair of socks.



1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6...1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

I am known to engage in obsessive compulsive behavior.  Looking back, I remember always being this way. I remember drawing a boat, which turned into 25 boats in a few hours. Once that was perfected I moved on to houses. I am sure it was hard for family members to say something positive after boat #3.  Today I often question when my mom brings up such stories, "how did you NOT see there was something odd about me?!". She usually just laughs and says, "it was just who you were!". Another memorable story was when I decided one evening that I was going to tie my shoes.  It happened...at approximately 3 AM after many tears and frustration shared not only by me, but my parents as well. Call me stubborn and obsessive compulsive, but I prefer driven.  At least that is my positive twist on it.

Everything I do is to the "nth degree". Sometimes this is positive and other times it is not. It depends on the situation and whether I am moving forward alone or dragging someone along with me.  Matt is very patient with me...well most of the time. He has learned to reassure me FIVE times before what he is saying will actually sink in when I am worried.  It is strange it takes 5 times, when I subconsciously count to SIX repeatedly throughout the day.

This behavior or temperament, or whatever you want to call it has been around for generations and is seen throughout both sides of my family.  As a matter of fact, my cousin Jessica and I went out for dinner one night. We were sharing with each other how our anxiousness seems to worsen as we get older.  I then told her how I panicked the other day because some of the calk was peeling away from where the shower and the shower walls attach.  I yelled for Matt in a panicked voice, "Matt! You have to come see this!!". He ran in, probably thinking one of the kids had gotten hurt or perhaps an earwig had invaded the room. I said anxiously, "you have to fix this!". He didn't seem as alarmed as me so I carried the worry of the situation around for DAYS. I then told her that what went through my head in SECONDS after seeing the peeled calk was that, water was now seeping inside of the shower, which was now in the walls, therefore creating moisture and black mold, which would mean COMPLETELY gutting the bathroom and possibly being dead by morning because of mold infestation.  She started to laugh and said, "that SAME thing happened the other day at our house and I thought the SAME thing!". We then both laughed SO hard we were almost crying and then felt relieved we weren't alone.  It is nice to know you are not alone in your thought process, but because it is inherited I also feel badly.  Cooper is a mini-me. As a matter of fact he often says, "I am SO my mother's child"...

Collin also has exhibited some new quirky tendencies in recent weeks. My poor, poor husband...